| Single, Saved, and Having Sex |
By Ty Adams
Genre: Inspirational & Self-Help
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Single, Saved, and Having Sex
You're addicted to thrills? What an empty life! The pursuit of pleasure is never satisfied.
?Proverbs 21:17 (The Message)
The sexual revolution of the 1960s cast us into an age of low moral values and promiscuity. If you are a single woman or man, there is pressure-from society, television, music, advertising, and your peers-to become a sexual being.
But now, more than ever, people of all ages are feeling less emotionally attached, more vacant and empty-even if their beds are filled with lovers and their social lives sizzle. And most of these people call themselves Christians. In fact, it has been estimated that 70 percent of all unmarried Christians are saved and having sex.
The quest for intimacy and fulfillment is at an all-time high. Over the past year, just about every magazine on the newsstands featured articles on sex and relationships, with titles like "When Should You Give It Up?" "How Do I Please My Man Sexually?" and "How Do I Heal from a Broken Relationship?" We are constantly bombarded with one message: Sex is all that matters, and it had better be good.
Single-dating shows are among the highest-rated programs on TV. These shows are comprised of single men and women who have the opportunity to date twenty people in one night or to compete for a relationship with a rich man or woman, one whom they barely get to know.
E-mail is full of pop-ups inviting you to go to a dating site, and online dating services and chat rooms are swamped with people searching for a physical relationship or a way to hook up with a member of the opposite sex as quickly and painlessly as possible. Yet a large percentage of single people who struggle with relationships and are having sex either believe in or love God, this same God who approves of sex only if you are married. Does this mean that you, a single person, can believe in or love God the way He requires us to love Him and still have sex?
God created and designed you to have wholeness in every area of your life. We have physical, emotional, social, mental, and spiritual needs to be fulfilled. When we have a need for intimacy, we quickly respond physically. That's because we live in a microwave, fast-food-mentality age; we want instant gratification. We want it our way, right away; we want it fast, and it better be satisfying.
We've tried to acquire intimacy in an instant-in a sixsecond orgasm, a temporary relief that takes you back down to where you were before you took off your clothes. But once the morning-after syndrome sets in, you find that you didn't get what you were seeking. Then, even though you realize that your needs weren't met, you continue your quest for fulfillment through physical means, while your spiritual and mental departments hang in limbo.
Now failed relationships and sexual partnerships become the norm. You move on to another relationship, it doesn't work out, you move on to another. Like an addict, you are consumed with achieving another climax. This is known as "the thrill is gone" syndrome-when the immediate gratification thrills and pleasures of sex leave, you move right on to the next bed. Like me, some of you, after a few rockbottom relationships, begin to work on the other departments. You start praying, may even start going to church, but you continue to get intimacy physically. You give some of yourself over to God, but you find yourself living a double life. This is commonly known as "your body's here with me, but your mind is on the other side of town."
You will soon realize that the cost of trying to meet your quest for intimacy by physical means is beginning to add up. Or have you not counted up the cost? For singles, sex is never free. What price would you put on a damaged or wounded heart? How much does AIDS or HIV cost? How about a life with no peace: What kind of price tag would you put on that? How much does it cost to kill a baby? Or what's the price on a bankrupt spirit? Oh, here's one: How much does it cost to go to hell?
The question remains: Is it possible to believe in or love God and still have sex? I don't know if that's really the question, because I can guess that many of you don't love sex to the point that you would be willing to pay the high cost for it. Especially the cost of being separated eternally from the God you love. Yet you somehow continue to pray, go to church, and proclaim the name of Jesus while you engage in sexual activities. I know exactly what that's like-to love God but find it hard to please Him because of wild, rampant sexual desires that need to be fulfilled. I know what it's like to want to live right and be held at the same time.
Many of you believe that your sexual exploits will be excused by a loving and understanding God. Some of you, on the other hand, believe that eventually you'll get things under control when you get the guts to leave the relationship or your sexual partner, to fully live for God. Many of you have left the church because your struggle with sex outweighed your capacity to live right for God; others of you are still going to church faithfully while covering up the fact that you are having sex. No matter what your case, I want to share something with you that Dr. Mike Murdock often states: "Struggle is proof that you have not yet been conquered." My prayer is that those of you who find yourself in the struggle will finally obtain the answers that you need in order to overcome and walk away free. My prayer is that you will become single, saved, and not having sex.
But I know this isn't going to be easy. Why? Because everywhere we look, it's sex, sex, sex, sex, sex-get as much as you can, when you can, with whomever you can. This is what's depicted on TV and radio. Turn on the TV, and even a toothpaste commercial will have two people hugging and kissing. You can't look at a shampoo commercial without a sexual connotation in it. Now, what does washing your hair have to do with sexual pleasure? And let's not even talk about the movies and music. There is no "maybe that's what they're talking about" hidden meaning. And there are no hidden messages; they're flat-out X-rated!
You have so many opinions and different beliefs about sex coming at you. You grow up trained to think and believe a certain way about sex. You're not a man unless you have a few women; you need to have all the flavors, and if they don't satisfy you, "handle yourself." If you're a virgin, something has to be wrong; you must be gay. As for a woman, you need a man to complete you and you have to outdo the other women he's been with in bed in order to keep him. Sound familiar? Here you are, living your entire life with these man-made ideas of how sex should be-with whomever we want-then you get "saved." This is where a major problem lies. The spirit of a man is changed, but his mind isn't changed. This is one reason why such a high rate of single folks in the church are having active sex lives. We come to the Lord with this going-out-in-the-world backward thinking, with the mind-set of not changing the way we live our lives and not turning away from these beliefs that have been embedded in us. We have a new spirit, but we use the same mind. If that's not enough, we go back to the same resources for advice when our quest falls apart.
Okay, let me give you a mental picture. I was driving a brown 1981 Cutlass. It was dented in the rear, and gaseous fumes were coming out of the tailpipe. I myself was sharp, looking good, but when I got out of the car I would smell like a walking exhaust system. When the car broke down, I wouldn't take it to the dealer and get it fixed. I would take the car, dents and all, to what we call alley mechanics (mechanics who fix cars in backyards or in front of their houses).
Now picture a Mercedes-Benz 700 Series, white leather interior, no fumes. It needs to be serviced (notice, I said serviced). Would you take it to an alley mechanic? Oh, no! You would take it to the dealer, the manufacturer. That's the same thing with you. You are no longer a broken-down, barely making-it '81 Cutlass with poisonous fumes. You are in a new class, a new series of your life, and you can't go and get quick fixes from unskilled folks giving you experimental advice. You need to go to the Manufacturer.
God, your Manufacturer, created you and He created sex. Why would you go to the alley sex mechanic for help? Since God created sex and He created you, He knows your hangups, your shortcomings, faults, desires, why you respond and act a certain way, and He has the solution should you malfunction. If you are having issues or struggling with something that He created, by all means He should be the one that you go to for help. Remember this definition: Sexual sin means of or involving sex, the two sexes, or the sexual organs in a willful violation of a religious or moral principle; sexuality unrestrained by morality; any wrong or evil act involving sex, the two sexes, or the sexual organs.
There are quite a few of you who believe that sexual intercourse occurs only when a man enters into a woman's vagina. But sexual intercourse is defined as an intimate physical relationship, especially between a man and a woman, involving any use of the sexual organs. This means that even if a man does not enter a woman but has physical contact with the woman with any of the sexual organs, he is having sexual intercourse; it's the course or path of entering into sex.
Let me translate this for you further: It also means that foreplay (the acts that happen before a man enters into a woman) is considered sexual intercourse-the course or path of entering into sex. Examples of foreplay are heavy petting, fondling, and, yes, even tongue kissing. It also includes masturbation-the stimulation of one's own or another's genitals. Masturbation has a downward spiraling effect because it is the act of living out your past on yourself. You are responding to twisted sexual perversions that have developed in your mind that cause you to believe that gratification by any means will fulfill a desire or need. Masturbation breeds confusion and leaves you with a greater degree of discontent and emptiness.
Pornography is sexual immorality or fornication. It is any literature, art, magazine, movie, music, or photograph of erotic or sexual acts intended to excite prurient feelings or lustful thoughts. Those of you who think you do not engage in pornography because you don't have X-rated videos or magazines should check that definition closely. Illicit, erotic, X-rated, or vulgar movies or music are also forms of pornography. You know, the kind of music that talks about your body parts and what he/she is going to do with those body parts-yeah, that's pornography.
Oh, did I fail to mention oral and anal sex? Now, the fact that some of you think that oral sex or anal sex is not sex kind of confuses me. "Sex" in the terms alone gives you a big clue and indicates that they are sex. If you are using the sexual organs, that is considered sexual intercourse. So putting your mouth on a sexual organ is sexual sin. The anus was placed on your body to defecate or remove waste, not to put waste in it. Waste is anything barren, unproductive, unfruitful.
To engage in anal sex is a wasteful act; you are not to go there. Listen, single man or woman, if you have either oral or anal sex, you are considered a sodomite, which comes from the word "sodomy." Sodomy is defined as the unnatural, especially anal or oral, use of copulation/sexual intercourse.
Then the Lord rained on Sodom and on Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the Lord out of the heavens. He overthrew, destroyed, and ended those cities, and all the valley and all the inhabitants of the cities, and what grew on the ground. (Genesis 19:24-25 [Amplified])
God destroyed the entire cities of Sodom and Gomorrah because of their sinful, sexual perversion. I can see some of your faces now: "Oh, blessed Jesus, I can't believe she put this in this book. I can't believe she went there. She is talking so openly about it." I believe we've been sugarcoating this for far too long. And, as quiet as it's kept, some of you do talk about it and actually do these things, then cover it up. Talking about covering up, there are a lot of undercover Christians literally under the covers, and the only way a lot of you are going to be delivered and set free is to go under the covers where you are and grab yourselves out. So let's uncover.
Now, this discussion would not be complete if we didn't talk about homosexuality, which we'll get into more fully later. Homosexuality is defined as exhibiting sexual desires toward a person of one's own sex. I had to clarify and define that because we often look at sin in levels and degrees, as if one carries more weight than the other. "I don't watch pornography," but you listen to it on your favorite radio station.
"I don't sleep around, I'm celibate," but you take care of yourself by masturbating. You might even have the audacity to turn your nose up at someone who comes into your church and appears to be a homosexual, but you're headed right for the hotel with someone you are not married to before the pastor can even give the benediction.
Surprisingly, I've had some people tell me, both men and women, that they are not in sexual sin because whenever they get with their bed partners, they don't actually engage in penetration, but they'll have oral sex with one another. Whichever way you put it, sexual penetration, masturbation, foreplay, tongue kissing, homosexuality, oral sex, anal sex, and pornography are all considered sexual intercourse; they are all sexual sins and are considered fornication. Fornication is voluntary sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons or two persons not married to each other.
For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication. (1 Thessalonians 4:3 [KJV])
Picture a big, fat, pink pig running around in a muddy pigsty eating everything you throw at it. You get close to the pigsty and you notice that this pig has red lipstick on, highheeled shoes, and a ring in its nose. Do you now look at the pig and say, "You are so cute"? No, you don't. The filth she's running in and her habit of eating everything that's foul overpower the lipstick and the gold ring. She's not cute at all. She's a filthy pig. Even Scripture tells us:
Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful face on an empty head. (The Message)
When King Solomon spoke this message to the women in his day about their indiscreet lifestyle, he had to compare their lifestyle to what they believed was the filthiest thing ever, which at that time was a swine. You wouldn't be caught dead eating a pork chop or a slice of bacon. Jewelry and gold nose rings were the hippest things happening. When you saw a nose ring on a woman, it was absolutely beautiful! King Solomon was basically saying to the women, "You can't dress up ugly. You can't dress up in mess and filth."
He compared a foul pig with a gold ring in its nose to a drop-dead-gorgeous woman who was not tactful, who lacked judgment and the ability to make quality decisions in her life. Just as a gold ring couldn't cover up a filthy pig, neither could a woman's pretty face and shapely body cover up or cancel out the fact that she lacked moral discretion. A pretty face without discretion is useless and has no worth or value. Men, take notes. The last thing you want or need is a woman who lacks the ability to exercise good judgment or tact. The Word of God tells us, "He that finds a wife, finds a good thing" (Proverbs 18:22). Ladies, you are not considered "a good thing" if you do not possess or exercise good judgment. We define "good" as morally excellent, proper, fitting, well behaved, honorable or worthy, sound or valid, competent, morally righteous, not spoiled or tainted. Does that define you?
You can't be a good thing if you lack good judgment, and you can't possess good judgment without having "the goods," which means without being tainted. You must also be morally excellent. The only way that you possess the goods is through goodness, as indicated in The Message translation of Psalms 119:68: "You are good, and the source of good; train me in your goodness." You need to understand that you-all of you-already possess the goods. You just have not yet tapped into them. It means nothing to possess the goods if you don't exercise or walk in what you have. Now, in order to become what you already are or maintain good judgment in your everyday life or in your practical affairs, you have to give God the consent in your affairs.
So what are your practical affairs? What do you spend your time doing on a daily basis? Who are your friends? What does your leisure time consist of? What do you spend your weekend doing? What do you do when you get home from work? What you decide to do on a daily basis is who you are. You are made up of the sum total of the choices and decisions you make every day. Whenever you have fallen short of God's will, you can trace it back to what you were doing before it happened. There's no "oops" about it. "Oops, I don't know how I got here in this bed with my pants off. Oops, there goes my shirt!" Stuff doesn't "just happen." There's a setup before the mess-up.
The habits you've created were produced out of practice. A habit does not form without practice. The word "practical" derives from the word "practice" (a repeated or habitual performance).
So let's call them practiced affairs. Again, what are you repeatedly doing on a day-to-day basis? Okay, I know you're repeatedly having sex, but what are you doing to get there? There are some things that are happening before you engage in or practice sexual acts. We have touched on this, but let's look at it some more from the Word:
Jesus said, "Are you willfully stupid? Don't you see that what you swallow can't contaminate you? It doesn't enter your heart but your stomach, works its way through the intestines, and is finally flushed." . . . He went on: "It's what comes out of a person that pollutes: obscenities, lusts, adulteries . . . all these are vomit from the heart. There is the source of your pollution." (Mark 7:18-23 [The Message])
What comes out of the mouth gets its start in the heart. It's from the heart that we vomit fornication. (Matthew 15:17 [The Message])
Evil thoughts and lewdness (excessive sexual indulgence) were also included as a defilement of the heart. So how do sexual immorality, fornication, evil thoughts, and lewdness get into the heart? I'm glad you asked. The Bible says in Matthew 6:22 that "your eyes are windows into your body." The mouth, the ears, and the eyes are the gates to your heart. Sexual immorality came through the gates of your eyes, ears, or mouth to your heart. I worked in the media and marketing/ advertising industry for several years. On an average day, it is said that you will take in from three thousand to five thousand impressions. An impression is a strong effect produced on the intellect, feelings, or conscience (usually produced by pressure) so as to leave a mark.
So what's impressing you? Daily you take in about three thousand to five thousand impressions through TV, music, newspapers, radio, billboards, etc., that will leave a mark on your intellect (your understanding), feelings (your emotions, sensations), and your conscience (the sense of what is right or wrong in one's conduct). Once an impression gets into you, it goes to the heart and leaves a mark. Eventually you'll act it out, and it becomes part of your practiced affairs. Now, I know your favorite TV program is lawful, but is it helpful? What about the movies you go out on the weekend to see? Are they helpful, or do they incite sexual immorality?
Everything is permissible (allowable and lawful) for me but not all things are helpful (good for me to do, expedient and profitable when considered with other things). Everything is lawful for me, but I will not become the slave of anything or be brought under its power. (1 Corinthians 6:12 [Amplified])
Okay, some of you make light of your "pass-by time" and think that it will not affect you. "The movies and the music I listen to do not affect my walk with Christ," you say. That's the furthest from the truth. Why do you think companies spend millions of dollars on advertising? They know that the impressions will leave a mark on you and incite you to action, to impress you to "obey your thirst" or "just do it." These impressions work through your faculties or your senses: what you see, what you hear, taste, feel, and touch. If I can get to your mind, it's nothing for me to get your body to respond.
Everything around you is either a ministry or a seed planter. Whether you realize it or not, a seed is planted in your heart through the gates of your ears, eyes, or mouth. Your television is planting a seed; it tells a vision (tel-e-vision) by broadcasting images. Images are how your thought patterns are created. Your radio is a powerful influence or impression. Music is very influential and incites or impacts the way you think and act. Your Bible holds a huge music department in it: Psalms. It's the largest book in the Bible, it was placed right in the center, and guess who created music?
God knew that the very essence of music would be powerful, so powerful that it has defeated armies in battle, so powerful that it takes you into the presence of God. Now satan, the mishap that he is, went and distorted music. He knew how powerful music was, since he was the minister of music with speakers that would shatter your eardrums. He distorted it in such a way that partygoers will throw their hands up to it. Does "Wave your hands in the air and wave 'em like you just don't care" ring a bell? Lifting up your hands to worship was instituted by the Almighty God, but the influence of music is being used in an evil, ungodly manner. That devil is a fabricator, and he uses music to draw you to sexual immorality.
Now, I'm not saying that all music is bad, but there's so much pornographic music on the radio that it's difficult to sift through it to even get to the good music. I'm talking about music that encourages you to have sex-lyrics like "Drop it like it's hot or back that thang up," or "You can take your clothes off here, we can do it anywhere, I don't care." Music that's illicit and vulgar, that describes sexual acts in a wicked manner-and some of you just bop your head to it. Oh, because you like the beat. Haven't I heard that quite a bit, while you bop all the way to the hotel?
It's supposed to have a good beat. Pornographic music will arouse you, and it will influence and persuade your emotions. How many times have you listened to the song that talked about him knowing where your "spot" is? That's how that strange man got to your heart in the first place. It made you think about him, and before you knew it, you picked up the phone and called him. Do you actually think you can listen to that type of music as it describes a sex scene and not be moved by it? Before you put the hotel key in the doorknob, it started out as a thought. When you speak and sing the lyrics, it goes into your subconscious mind and stores itself there. The thought was planted by the song, you danced to it, and then you acted on it.
If music weren't such an influence, it wouldn't have the strong hold it has on some of you and you'd just turn the radio off, but you'd rather make excuses and try to convince someone that it's not so bad. I know. It was hard for me to let music go because I excused myself in the name of "it's not all that bad." I loved music. I did, and I still do. I love music, but I asked myself, "How bad is your 'want to'?" I kept telling God, "I want to be right, I want to stop fornicating. I want to so bad . . ." In the same breath, I would turn on music that enticed me to sin. So how bad is your "want to"?
I remember once when I was fasting and I said I would not listen to music. That was extremely hard! It was only the Holy Spirit that kept me from turning the radio on in the car for thirty straight days. After the fast, I went back to my daily regimen and turned the radio on again when I jumped into the car. "Old school" music was on, and I was in the car jammin'! For the first couple of songs, the music was cool. By the time the third song came on, I was singing out of my mouth, "Have sex with me until it kills me." That's what the song actually said! I hurried to turn the radio off! Sex is never so good that I'd die for it. I had entered into a marriage with sexual sin "till death do us part." But I was at the point where I was willing to divorce it at any cost.
The Lord revealed to me, right there, that if I wanted to maintain my deliverance, I would have to let it go. No, not let all music go. Just music that He didn't create. There is power in your tongue, and every time you sing and speak words out of your mouth, they manifest themselves in your life. You sing your way right into sexual sin. My eyes were so blind that I didn't realize that there was gospel music that was not only good for my soul but also good to my ears. What I mean by that is, there's some really good gospel music to listen to. I was shocked because I was still able to jam!
I remember going to the movies one night with my friends for a "girls night out." Now, let me tell you, we had just finished a powerful Friday night of prayer and watching Bishop T. D. Jakes's videos and shoutin' through the apartment. It was about ten o'clock, and my friends suggested that we go to the movies. I wasn't going to go, and one of them said, "Come on and go. The last movie you went to see was Shaft; the first one!" She was sort of right, so we ran over to the theater, grabbed some popcorn, and the moment we sat down, naked butts splashed all across the screen. I thought, "Okay, maybe that was just the first part of it. The movie will calm down now, and it'll get past this part."
It got worse! You remember back in the day when they didn't show a man's genitals? This movie did, and it seemed as if the screen held it in that area for a good, long two minutes. I covered up my eyes like a little girl and screamed, "Oh, my God!" All my friends were laughing. "I don't know why y'all laughin'. I haven't seen one of 'those' since 1960. Let's go!"
I was serious, too. There I was, fresh out of sexual sin and looking at pornography. That's exactly what it was: porn wrapped up as a movie. There's no way you can be a "kept" man or woman-kept from sexual sin-watching sexually explicit movies. Moreover, some of the sitcoms on TV are just as trashy. Anything that causes you to slip, stumble, or flat-out fall into sin, get rid of it!
If your hand or foot gets in the way of God, chop it off and throw it away. You're better off maimed or lame and alive than the proud owners of two hands and two feet, godless in a furnace of eternal fire. And if your eye distracts you from God, pull it out and throw it away. You're better off one-eyed and alive than exercising your twenty-twenty vision from inside the fire of hell. (Matthew 18:8-9 [The Message])
Of course, you shouldn't literally chop your hand off or cut your eye out, but the Word is saying that if what your eye is watching distracts you from God, then pull it out and throw it away. Pull your eye from watching it and throw away whatever is getting in the way of you and God, for it is better to let that ungodly music or those movies go than to burn in hell for it. But what happens when you pull out your eye and yet you are still struggling with sexual sin? Let's look at a letter I received from a woman who found out about my book during one of my TV appearances, who dealt with this very issue.
I am thirty-three years old and still a virgin and plan on staying that way till marriage. Some years ago I got hooked on pornography by watching an adult-rated TV program. After battling with it for a long while, I repented and got delivered- I also got rid of cable! Now I watch mostly TBN, Daystar, and family-type programs. My problem is that every now and then those same old urges come back and I don't understand why. I try to be careful of what I put before my eyes and ears. Why do I still sometimes get sexual urges? -B.V.
I commend you greatly for taking a stance for purity and living holy before the Lord. B.V., you've made the necessary changes in your life and placed a guard over your eyes and ears, and that, too, is to be commended. I know you're serious if you got rid of your cable! Oftentimes the Lord will deliver His people, but many Christians don't make the necessary changes to maintain deliverance. The Lord will certainly honor your commitment to holiness, and you shall see the rewards thereof. I thank God that He has delivered you from pornography and from the sexual snares of the enemy, but I must tell you, B.V., there's one thing you'll never be delivered from. It's a ten-letter word called temptation!
Please know that there is nothing wrong with you. You are perfectly fine. Having a sexual urge is perfectly normal. In fact, you're going to need it once you get married! Until then, what you do with that urge will determine the consequences or rewards in your life. If you look in Luke 4 when satan came to tempt Jesus, you'll find that after the temptation had ended, satan departed for "a season." Let's look at this in the Amplified Bible:
And when the devil had ended every [the complete cycle of] temptation, he [temporarily] left Him [that is, stood off from Him] until another more opportune and favorable time. (Luke 4:13)
Just like B.V., none of us will ever be delivered from temptation. Movies and music are just a few of the temptations facing you. As long as you are on this earth, from time to time you'll meet temptation head-on. If you are not staring it in the face now, don't let your guard down. Satan only left you for the time being. So if it's always going to be in your face, I guess we had better learn how to deal with the temptation so that we won't continue to fall prey to its neverending cycle. Let's stay ahead of him and discover when satan's favorable time is and how not to yield and succumb to the temptation when it comes. Read on.
Excerpted from Single, Saved, and Having Sex , by Ty Adams . Copyright (c) 2003, 2006 by Ty Adams . Reprinted by permission of Little, Brown and Company, New York, NY. All rights reserved.Back to top